The Bitch’s forecast on Bollywood in 2009
Bollywood, more than performance and quality, relies upon astrology, and numerology for success.
So every second person is joining the numerology business lately as this has become the shortcut to earn moolah, and also meet the stars.
Every Monday morning, The Bitch very enthusiastically opens the newspapers to see her weekly forecast, but invariably, none of the predictions work. Infact, just the opposite happens.
2009 is about to begin, and the Bitch was flipping through newspapers, when she hit upon the prediction of a few Bollywood stars, by some numerologist.
The prediction speaks about number 2 and number 7, and God knows some links between them, and going by that, Ash will be a mother in 2008.
The Bitch imagines the scenario at the Bachchan household, when Ash will suddenly standup at the dinning table, and rush to the wash room and throwup, and this is how she will break the good news to her hubby darling…”Suniyeji…blush blush blush…biting her nails and looking at his eyes, and then down again…aap baap banne wale ho ji“.
Trust Abhishek to be a killjoy and puncture her happiness with “Kiska, kaise?”
2009 will be the year when Abhishek will come out to biwi about him and John. They‘ll both run together to prove it to her!
Amitabh Bachchan, according to the prediction, is likely to go through severe stress and disappointment and likely to be deceived in financial matters.
Well…all is fare in love and war. Haven‘t the Bachchans backstabbed lots of actors, and got them replaced from films? Akshay Khanna and Kareena kapoor will vouch for that. Akshay for sure will say, “Sirji, kiye ka bhugtaan to bharna hi padega na“.
2009 will be the year Big B will have killed all the bloggers in town. No connection why?
The deadliest prediction is that of Shahrukh…according to which his family will suddenly discover his spiritual side this year. What the hell does that mean?
Is he likely to drape himself in yards of saffron clothes and head straight towards Kashi, or will he become a celibate?
Poor Gauri…it‘s either Karan or straight away celibacy. Well…each to his own.
2009 will be the year SRK will announce his own Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. It will not be Gauri and him. It will not be K-Jo and him. It will be him and rab ji. Haule haule…
Ranbir Kapoor, is likely to have a moderate year…not a bad, but not a very good year either.
With his philandering habits, he isn‘t expected to have a fantastic year anyways. With every new film, comes the news of his new liaison. How long can he drag himself like that?
Also, 2009 will be the year when all the haseenas will get over him and line up for Neil Nitin Mukesh, who‘s still single we hear!!! Why?
The Saif-Kareena relation will go through ups and downs, and may eventually end. Thank God! The Bitch will no longer have to bear updates about Kareena‘s reaction when Saif sneezes, or Saifu‘s reaction when Kareena has her breakfast.
Dear tattoo!!! It will have to be rubbed so hard. We hope Saifu doesnt lose his memory like Aamir in ‘Ghajini‘ and gets violent at the sight of the tattoo on his arm everytime he raises his arm to check time on his watch. Somebody please time his watch for 15 minute alerts!!!
2009 is the year Bebo will be bored with Saifu and prowl for another man in town. But where are the men?
Preity may have ups and downs in her relationship, which will eventually affect her health. Bitch‘s advise to you babes, get married and settle down into matrimonial bliss.
Doing dull films like ‘Heaven On earth‘, and ‘Heroes‘ in the name of arty farty, will do no good to you.
2009 is the year Ness will name a jumbo plane after Preity, and no we‘re not hinting that she‘ll be the size of the plane to fit her only!
Kats babes will do great in terms of her career atleast till the mid of the year. But has numerology got to do anything with it? She anyways piggybacks on Akki, and this year too she will, in her films, ‘Blue‘, and ‘De Dana Dan‘.
The forecast says her compatibility with Salman is just about okay, and that she should rather focus on her career. Wow…what a great forecast. As if we were not aware of that.
2009 is the year Kats will prove it to her critics that she still can‘t act even for a single frame!
Now let the Bitch predict Sallubhai‘s fortune in the forthcoming year. He‘ll still be seeing plenty of Russian chicks on the side, when Kats is not looking.
We didn‘t need to predict that? What are you looking forward from Bollywood in 2009? Share your Bollywood dreams.