Russian airport occupation ‘no match’ for British stag party

Russian-backed militia are preparing to retreat from Crimea’s main airport after encountering several well-oiled members of a British stag party.

The revellers, fronted by “lead stag” Simon Williams,32, had been ‘caning it’ since the early hours in the bars of Simferopol before heading to the airport to catch Ryanair flight FR3546 back to Leeds.

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Tensions rose when Williams’s group discovered the heavily-armed pro-Russian faction “Free Crimea” lolling about the concourse pissed up on vodka.

And after the Russian militia confiscated the airport’s supply of duty free for their own personal use, political analysts described Gates 22-28 as a “powder-keg”.

Williams, accompanied by best man “Mad” Dave and twelve others insist they are “not that arsed” about Ukraine’s internal politics and just want to know where they can get a drink in “this fucking shithole”.

Airport stand-off

A group of Russians were reported to have laid down their weapons and fled the airport screaming after members of Williams’ party formed a line and bared their bottoms on the count of three.

Reeking of alcohol and dressed as Florence Nightingale, despite temperatures of -12 degrees centigrade, Williams described the Russians’ behaviour as ‘provocative’.

Another in the party referring to himself only as ‘Fingers’ said, “It was tense for a while, but a short game of nek-nominate soon showed them who was boss.”

Channel 4’s Krishnan Guru-Murthy said: ‘This is the most serious international crisis since British stag party in russian airport, hultreviews Dave’s stag-do in Riga.’

Last night “Mad” Dave sought to defuse further tensions between the two groups, insisting the stags would return to the UK just as soon as Colin can find the boarding passes.

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