1. You have a headache.
2. You have a stomachache.
3. Your dog has a headache.
4. Your dog has a stomachache.
5. Your dog just doesn’t want you to.
6. You might fall on the treadmill and embarrass yourself.
7. You might fall on the elliptical and embarrass yourself.
8. Your dog might follow you to the gym, fall on the treadmill, and embarrass itself.
9. Four out of five doctors recommend staying home.
10. Your mom might call you and you know how she is when you don’t answer her calls.
11. Gym clothes are too expensive.
12. Netflix is releasing the rest of Breaking Bad really soon.
13. You need to rewatch all of Breaking Bad.
14. You need to do meth.
15. There’s a crisis going on in the Middle East right now.
16. There’s a crisis going on in the U.S. right now.
17. There might be a crisis going on in outer space right now.
18. You already put on your pajamas.
19. You’re thinking about putting on your pajamas.
20. You own pajamas that you might put on at some point.
21. Beyoncé won’t be there.
22. You have to go to the bathroom, and who knows how long that might take, right???
23. Your roommate’s parents are in town and are offering to take you to dinner.
24. Dinner in general.
25. You already planned to spend the night learning the difference between an en dash and an em dash.
26. You already planned to spend the night learning how to use a semicolon properly.
27. You need to wash the dishes.
28. You need to yell at your roommate until they wash the dishes.
29. You need to yell at your roommate until they finally take out the damn trash.
30. You just kind of want to yell at your roommate.
31. Your cat needs a bath.
32. You really need to floss.
33. You still haven’t put away your laundry that you did last week.
34. There’s a old-school Nickelodeon marathon on TV.
35. There’s a House Hunters marathon on TV.
36. Literally anything is on TV.
37. You might have pulled a muscle earlier carrying groceries or something.
38. No, you definitely pulled a muscle.
39. Or, at least, something kind of hurts. Maybe. Yeah. Can’t exercise like that.
40. You ran out of body wash so you wouldn’t be able to shower afterwards.
41. You ran out of shampoo so you wouldn’t be able to shower afterwards.
42. You just really don’t want to have to shower later.
43. You have to try out this cool new recipe.
44. When you inevitably fail at making this cool new recipe, you need to order delivery.
45. There’s that book you haven’t started reading yet and you definitely don’t want to deal with late fees at the library!
46. You haven’t updated your gym playlist recently.
47. The existence of donuts in general.
48. The existence of cupcakes in general.
49. The existence of chocolate in general.
50. Basically, food.
51. You need to master the dance from that one episode of Girls, right?
52. You need a haircut.
53. You forgot to shave.
54. You woke up like this (***not wanting to go to the gym).
55. No wifi in the gym.
56. You need to finish editing that “Let It Go” cover you’ve been working on.
57. You just really want to listen to “Let It Go” on repeat all night.
58. What if you fart while doing squats?
59. What if someone else farts while doing squats?
60. There is a 0.00001% chance that Tina Fey and/or Amy Poehler will show up at your doorstep professing their undying love for you, and you can’t risk not being there.
61. You need to watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler videos on YouTube for the next three hours.
62. The Oscars are soon so you should really watch all the nominated films, right?
63. You’re all tied up making a shrine to Lupita Nyong’o.
64. Literally, you can’t stop contemplating how and why she is such a perfect human.
65. You need to vacuum.
66. You need to sweep.
67. You need to lie on the couch for an hour staring at the dirty floors, thinking to yourself, “Wow, I should really clean these,” before ultimately doing nothing.
68. You’re writing a thesis on the linguistic importance of the term “Zig-a-zig-ah” in late ’90s pop culture.
69. You’re spending the next hour laughing immaturely at the number 69.
70. You went last night, so that’s good enough.
71. You went last week, so that’s good enough.
72. You went last year, so that’s good enough.
73. You need to free up some space on your DVR.
74. A crushing existential ennui has rendered you motionless, unable to contemplate the tedious frivolity of something such as “exercise.”
75. You’re still trying to figure out who let the dogs out.
76. You’re working on inventing a time machine, so you can go to the gym tonight all you want when that’s done.
77. Your ex might be there.
78. OK, yeah, so they don’t even live in the same state anymore. BUT WHAT IF?
79. One of the pictures on your wall is a little crooked, so you’re basically incapacitated for the rest of the night trying to fix that.
80. Your skin is kind of dry, so it hurts to sweat.
81. Your third cousin twice removed is in town, so you have to see them.
82. You need to spend the next hour trying to remember the name of your third cousin twice removed.
83. You’ve got to prepare for that big presentation at work tomorrow, remember?
84. Your roommate just started an argument with you about how to pronounce GIF, so there’s the whole night right there.
85. Your Pinterest boards have been looking a little empty lately.
86. You need to spend the rest of the night drafting the perfect tweet, only to second-guess yourself at the last moment and just delete it.
87. You’re already in a relationship, so who do you need to impress?
88. You’re not in a relationship, so who do you need to impress?
89. One of the trainers at the gym has scary eyes.
90. One of the trainers at the gym has scary thighs.
91. That character from Green Eggs and Ham probably refuses to eat them in a gym, which is basically a call for a nationwide gym boycott, right?
92. The gym is way too far from your apartment.
93. You saw a picture of a puppy carrying a big slice of pizza in its mouth on Tumblr and you just can’t deal with anything else right now.
94. Your grandma needs you to teach her how to use that textual messaging all the kids are doing these days.
95. You just found one last beer in the back of the fridge, so you’re legally obligated to drink it.
96. You need to read that article everyone is talking about. You know, that one.
97. You need to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
98. Damn it. You accidentally bit into that one. Now you have to start all over.
99. There’s a hole in your running shoes.
100. There’s a hole in your running shirt.
101. There’s a hole in your heart that can never be fully filled, so what’s the point of anything, really?
102. You need to sleep.
103. BECAUSE THE GYM IS JUST THE WORST, OK?
1. You have a headache.