The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.
“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, ‘right, lets do the fuckers right over’.”
The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.
“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”
The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.
“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it’s not the Bank of England’s money, it’s ours, you can’t charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”
In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git